she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
