in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
