I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
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