I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
