I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
