Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
