I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
