I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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