I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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