Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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