My first STD was from a foam party
and you said cock pushups were impossible
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
