it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
