I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
