I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
