May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
