The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.