I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
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hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.