my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
