When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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