Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
