my vag is so smooth its legendary
high people should be assigned attendants
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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