Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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