maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
