Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
