dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
