After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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