sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
