she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
