just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
