Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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