I wish my penis had an off switch
Jerry, you need to find god
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
