he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
