Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
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I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
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Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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