She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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