home. puking in laundry basket.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i drank out of a bidet.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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