I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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