I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
