Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
