I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize