Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
