He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
