Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
