I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
