for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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