I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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