Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
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Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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