he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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