Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
