I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
