this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
