I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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