I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
