Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
