HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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