I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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