Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
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