She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
