I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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