Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
