Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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