About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm gonna fight the coyote
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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