I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
